my biggest regret of the year

the day my spirit guides fell asleep.

This week, my city got hit with another snowstorm.

It’s our second big one of the season, but I didn’t mind. In my younger days, I would’ve been disappointed that everything was getting canceled and that I couldn’t go anywhere. But these days, I love the coziness of being snowed in.

As the wind howled and heavy lake-effect snow rapidly fell, I decided to start my most favorite journaling practice of the winter: the End of Year Review.

This is one I usually save for later in the month, but I found myself with quiet time a little early. I got out my journal, threw a blanket over my legs, and lit a candle. With my favorite fine-tipped pen in hand, I start answering some questions, the same questions I ask at the end of every year.

These questions get my wheels turning, help me dig deep, and get (as close as possible) to the root of why something happened. I look for themes. I write quickly and candidly. I trust what I write and consider each word necessary and part of the process.

One of the questions I ask is,

“What is something that could be a regret, but you see more as a lesson?”

When I read this question, a particular event rose to the front of my mind as the answer. I paused, pressing my lips together sheepishly. Ughhhh. Could I find the lesson in it? I decided to give it a try…but first, let me tell you what I’m talking about.

The Pre-Story: A Series of Unbelievable Events

On February 22, late in the day, inspired by far too many videos of bold hairstylists on Instagram chopping off women’s long hair, I decided to do the same.

This is nothing new — I cut my hair all the time. I rarely go to the salon for this. For hair color? Oh, absolutely; I leave that to the experts. But for a cut, I usually do it myself. I’ve even gathered good tools over the years. Nice sheers, razors, etc.

I felt confident.

So, I watched a few YouTube videos (my M.O.) to learn some new techniques and make sure I was getting exactly what I wanted, and then I went to town.

It didn’t take long at all.

Before cutting, my hair almost reached my elbow.

After cutting, it just grazed the top of my shoulders.

Honestly? I LOVED it.

I was so, so happy with it. I felt lighter and more like myself. I danced around the house, and all the kids oohed and ahhed. (Haircuts are a big deal in our family.)

And then…

The next day, on February 23, something disastrous happened in our home. I woke up to water flooding through two floors, which left me without a kitchen for nearly 5 months.

The next day, on February 24, something else very crazy happened with my job that had wild ripple effects.

And the next day, on February 25, I made the decision to leave my relationship.

Needless to say, in a matter of three days, my world was completely turned upside down. While all of these events heavily impacted many areas of life, not having a kitchen topped them all. The water damage required us to demolish everything — and I mean everything. The only thing that survived was our fridge. Everything else was stripped down to the 2x4s.

This was my “kitchen.” Looking back at this picture is honestly a little difficult. I remember viscerally how depressing and challenging that time was. It caused such unbelievable and unimaginable hardships. I’m a single mom, and I have four kids, and now I had to somehow feed everyone multiple times a day — with a microwave?

At first, it was fun! I love camping, and I love adventures, and I love challenges. “Bring it on!” I told the Universe.

Dear Lord, can someone tell this woman to be quiet.

Because the Universe certainly did “bring it on,” and very quickly my nervous system and mental health wanted the Universe to put it all back.

The Most Unfortunate Event

By mid-March, I was a disaster, completely over it, done with crockpot meals and cereal. Washing dishes in our tiny porcelain bathroom sink. Trying to wash said crockpot in that sink. Breaking one glass after another. I hated it. I hated it all.

But one of the days in early March, before I hit that rock bottom, while I was still a little blissfully ignorant about what was to come, I had a fantastic idea.

“I should cut bangs.”

I loved this idea so much.

I had good reasons for it. (Or, what I thought, in my current state, were good reasons.) Here they are:

1. Now that my hair was shorter, the side part made my hair fall directly in my line of vision. This was super annoying.

2. But if I cut that hair, it wouldn’t fall in my eyes anymore. It would just sit above my eyes.

3. Brilliant, Maggie. Problem solved.

I decided to go for it. Again, I watched YouTube videos, got my scissors, and snip snip snip — within the hour, I had bangs!

Now, I don’t know where the hell my Spirit Guides and Ancestors were that afternoon, but they certainly weren’t doing their jobs, I’ll tell you that much.

At first, it was fabulous. The bangs looked GREAT. I loved them! I was thrilled to have bangs again. (…Again? Loud sigh. Yes, we’ve done this before.)

But the next day, I washed them - and that’s when disaster struck.

I still don’t understand how this can happen…how they can change so vehemently after a single shower. But they did.

I styled them the way I knew how. But alas…shampoo had given them a roaring sense of free will. They wouldn’t lay right. They felt weird. They were weird. Puffy. Uneven, but not a chic uneven.

(Nothing like a chic uneven…)

No matter what I did, I could not get used to them.

It felt like I had a squirrel on my forehead.

Amid life seemingly falling apart more and more, I was now apparently housing a woodland creature on my face.

To fend off this feeling, I constantly brushed them aside, which only made matters worse, so I’d push them back and fuss them about for a moment or two.

Well, I can not think of a worse nightmare than living in a world where I have to fuss about my BANGS.

Yet here we were, living a nightmare.

As we all know, you can’t just “wake up” from a haircut nightmare — you have to wait it out.

So I began the immediate process of growing out the bangs. A process that takes months…and months…and months. It was exasperating. In a matter of minutes, I had given myself a year’s worth of frustration.

From there, things didn’t get better. At least not for a while.

But…eventually, they did. The pendulum swung back the other way, and life got beautiful again. Not just beautiful, but calm too. Changes were made. Sifting occurred. Peace returned.

I can end this year with so much gratitude. But I’m not going to sugarcoat it: 2024 was one of the hardest f*cking years of my life. Sure, I learned a whole lot, blah blah blah, but I would not want to relive it. Parts of it, sure! But as a whole? No way.

Now, you might think I’m silly and overly dramatic to say that Cutting My Bangs was the #1 regret of such a challenging year.

And you might be right — if you stop there.

But upon further reflection, Cutting My Bangs is just a small example of a larger pattern.

I think the reason my Guides were quiet that fateful afternoon is because I had an important lesson to learn. You see, I’ve had several previous experiences of cutting my bangs, loving how they looked, and then utterly despising the maintenance/growing out phase.

Like, the Guides have literally watched me go through this cycle multiple times already.

I think they just needed to let me run into the fire one last time.

I think they knew any sign they sent would’ve been waved off. I was determined that day. Not only did my bangs have free will, but humans do, too. And our Guides do not interfere with our free will. They help us as much as possible, but it ultimately comes down to us to make our own decisions.

This story about the bangs might seem trivial, but I share it with a lot of vulnerability and compassion for myself.

For 2024, my Word of the Year and Healing Theme were:

Freedom & Forgiveness

The amount of inner work I’ve done on forgiveness this year has been life-changing. I don’t just mean forgiveness toward others; I mean it for myself as well.

I know I’ve made a lot of other (bigger) mistakes in my life - that I’ve run into the fire, sometimes without knowing it was a fire, and sometimes to make doubly sure that it was. I’ve been burned by others, absolutely, but I have also burned myself. I have had to sit with consequences, show myself so much grace, and heal the parts that made those decisions in the first place.

And that’s truly where the blessing lies in all of this. I have dug so deep to unearth where these wounds began. I have pulled out their roots with force and soothed them with love.

Years ago, I decided that real, internal change comes by way of three things:

1. Time

2. Love

3. Pain

Unfortunately (fortunately?) I’ve experienced all three, and pain doesn’t always look pretty from the outside.

I think sometimes, when people see “painful” mistakes from the outside, they’re very quick to judge. They have obviously never made such mistakes themselves, and my goodness, (pinky raised) they know exactly how they would act if put in the same situation.

My perspective is different, though. I trust people to make their own decisions, and I trust they’ll learn the lessons they need to learn by doing so. I trust that my friends, family, and acquaintances are all on their own life path, with their own karma, with their own wounds to work out here.

None of us come onto this earth with the same soul mission, with the same soul history.

We all come to walk our own unique paths. And none of us - not a single one of us - will walk it without mistakes.

This life is Earth School. You’re here to grow, evolve, and heal. You do that by making mistakes and learning from them.

If someone’s actions cause you harm, of course put up boundaries. Of course there should be consequences.

But if someone’s actions don’t cause you harm, then I encourage you to be less judgmental, and be more curious.

Instead of talking about that person with others, talk to them.

Instead of assuming, ask softer questions.

Speaking of questions…

An Upcoming Event Full of Reflective Questions

In the beginning of this post, I shared the question about regrets/lessons.

Next week, I’ll be sharing all of my End of Year Review questions in an upcoming Journaling Workshop.

The Solstice is an absolutely magical time for release and intention. For this workshop, we’ll gather virtually and follow a series of journaling prompts, offering support, insight, and inspiration. Not only will we be taking time to review 2024, but we will also have a powerful Intention Setting for the new year.

I cannot wait to share this experience with you all.

It's going to be delightful.

Details:
Saturday, December 21
10am - 12pm
Virtual live event

$15 (FREE to paid Substack members. Please see below for the promo code.)

Register HERE. ✅

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